


Only You (And You Alone)

by alexfckingnovak



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Heavy Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt No Comfort, I’m sorry, M/M, Malec, Panic Attacks, Sad Magnus, Work In Progress, i’ll update the tags as i continue, kind of on hold, slow updates because school is kicking my ass, sorry - Freeform, this hurt to write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-23 17:39:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18554596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexfckingnovak/pseuds/alexfckingnovak
Summary: He was drowning in a sea of helplessness and misery with nothing but his shattered hopes to save him. Oh how far he’s fallen.





	1. Forgive Me, Forget Me

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this fic may have some triggering content so if you are triggered by things then there will be warnings in the notes for you to read. i love you all & i hope you enjoy!! (my apologies for any errors, i feel asleep while writing this)
> 
> tw: slight self harm (alec boxes without gloves/wraps)

“Listen to me, I don’t give a shit about my fucking meetings right now, I need to find him. I need to save him. So unless you can help me, this conversation is over.” He slammed his phone down onto his desk and collapsed into his chair. Why did this always happen to them—why couldn’t things go right for them for once in their goddamn lives? Magnus had only been gone for a week, but those days felt like months and Alec was losing it. He couldn’t stand going home to an empty bed, having to stare at everything his boyfriend touched and yet be unable to touch his boyfriend. It was maddening.

Sinking down into his chair he pushed the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, watching the fuzzy shapes and colors dance across the insides of his eyelids. He needed Magnus to come home, he needed to know that he was safe. It took every ounce of his strength not to give in to all his worries and doubts. He was drowning in a sea of helplessness and misery with nothing but his shattered hopes to save him. Oh how far he’s fallen. 

Sitting up he runs his hand through his limp hair, desperately trying to give it some sort of shape or style before standing up and squaring his shoulders, walking out of his office. He needed to be strong if he was going to find Magnus.

His blood gushed in his ears as the silence of the institute wrapped around him like a blanket. No one tried to speak to him because they knew he wouldn’t want to hear it. The only thing he wanted—no, needed—was Magnus back. To be able to hold him in his arms again, to be able to see his beautiful smile and forget the worries of the world for just a moment. 

Magnus had been taken by Asmodeus to Edom. That was all they knew, that was all he had to go on. Everyone said that Magnus had gone willingly simply because Asmodeus was his father, but Alec knew better. Magnus hates his father and what he did to him more than anything in the world, and it was up to Alec to prove it. He entered the training room and didn’t even bother wrapping his hands before positioning himself in front of one of the punching bags. 

He failed. One punch. Magnus is hurting. Two punches. Magnus could be dead. Three punches. He could be dead. Four punches. Magnus. His blood smeared across the bag as he tore the skin off his knuckles. He bit back sobs as he fought blindly against his imaginary foe, tears blurring his vision so much he couldn’t see past them. Magnus could be dying. He could be lying there in so much pain, completely alone. Alec missed a punch and fell to the ground. Hitting the floor he wiped his tears and stood up, nose flaring, looking at the punching bag like it was Asmodeus himself.

Magnus...

Alec’s rage boiled over and he threw one last powerful punch at the bag, tearing through what was left of his knuckles and knocking the bag off the hook. His chest rose and fell rapidly, desperately gasping for breath. He looked down and admired what he had done to his hands, the burning sensation only now registering in his mind. 

One pair of feet ran towards the training room, footsteps echoing through the halls. Alec turned to face the doorway just in time to be met with Jace’s piercing eyes, concern laced through his features. 

Alec looked like a wreck. Blood was trailing down his hand and dripping from his fingertips, sweat coated his skin, and his hair flopped pathetically onto his forehead. His breathing was still labored and his eyes were blackened with a cold steely glaze, as if he was in a world other than their own. His eyes remained unfocused, even as Jace raced towards him and grabbed his face, willing him to come back. 

“Alec! Alec please,” Jace moved his hands from Alec’s face to his arms, trying to shake him out of it, “please come back to me. Please.” He searched Alec’s face for any sign of recognition, but all he found was that cold, dead stare. Jace looked down to Alec’s hands and sighed

Pulling his stele from his pocket he lifted Alec’s shirt and activated his iratze rune, watching as the flesh healed back over, leaving only dried blood staining his hands. Suddenly, Alec flinched awake and leapt away from Jace.

“Why would you do that?” He screamed, his voice wavering as he looked to his now healed hands.

Jace’s eyes widened, “What do you mean why, your hands were practically skinned!” He tried to step closer but Alec matched his steps backwards, keeping equal distance. “You need to be more careful.” Jace said, his voice firm. 

“No, no you don’t understand! None of you can understand. I deserved that. I needed that.” Alec mumbled, eyes dropping to the the floor. 

“Alec...” Jace sighed and stepped forward, pleased that Alec made no move to get away. “Talk to me, what is going on? You can’t keep doing this alone. I’m your parabatai, I know when you’re suffering, whether you want me to or not.” Alec looked up to the ceiling, willing his tears to dry up. Why did everything have to be so hard all the time.

“Jace, I...” His voice broke off, drifting through the silence. “I can’t- I don’t... I need him, Jace.” Tears spilled over Alec’s eyelashes and splashed down his cheeks, paving a path through the sweat. He tasted the salt on his lips as he licked them, sucking in a deep breath. “Magnus, I need him, Jace, and he could be-“ Alec’s physique faltered for just a moment before he squared himself.

“Alec... let me help you.” Alec scoffed and shook his head, lips trembling and hands shaking harder than he’d like to admit.

“You can’t. No one can. He’s gone, Jace, and we can’t find him. I failed him. And that’s on me.” Choking on the lump in his throat he shoved past Jace and ran back to his room, nearly bowling Raj over, he only stopped to give him a mumbled sorry before dashing away again. He burst through the threshold to his bedroom and slammed the door shut behind him. His room felt so lonely compared to Magnus’ loft. His bright and preppy colors starkly contrasted Alec’s dark and somber room. 

His throat was on fire with the effort of keeping his tears back. It was as pointless as a picket fence trying to hold back a tsunami. Grief bubbled up his throat and came out as agony filled cries. How pathetic he was, standing alone in his room crying over his lost love. He hated it, but no matter how hard Alec tried he couldn’t stop. He cried so hard his lungs burned from lack of oxygen, his tears soaking his shirt. He walked over to his bed on wobbly legs and plopped onto it, collapsing from the sheer exhaustion of holding everything in. He weakly lifted his arm and wiped away the tears, mucus, and saliva. How pitiful he must look. Leader of the New York Institution lying in bed like a wounded puppy. He needed to get a grip. Rolling onto his side he lifted himself from his covers and stripped of his shirt before laying back onto his back and shrugging off his jeans.

Pulling his phone from his back pocket he checked the time.

11:04 PM

Groaning he flung his phone across the room and rolled under the covers. Tears silently fell from his cheeks onto his pillow, creating a dark circle. Magnus was gone. They might never see each other again. Alec immediately banished the thoughts from his head, he couldn’t afford to think of that, not now at least.

The last thing he was expecting was to get a fire message at 2:46 AM, and yet here he was, with burnt paper fluttering down onto his face. He woke with a jolt, nearly losing the paper off the side of the bed. He grabbed it with numb fingers and read it as calmly as possible. Even through his sleep fueled haze the words managed to turn his blood to ice. 

This was from Magnus. Magnus was alive. His heart leapt from his chest and he dove out of his bed, reaching for the nearest clothes he could find. Magnus was alive, and he wanted to meet. Granted, Alec didn’t know if this was truly Magnus, so he still brought along his stele and bow.

How much he missed Magnus’ warm smile, his kind and wise eyes, his hugs that somehow managed to melt away any fears or worries you may have. Alec needed Magnus like a fish needed water, and now he finally had a chance to jump back into the pond.

Alec slipped out of his room and activated his stealth rune, allowing him to leave the institute undetected and unbothered. The park Magnus wanted to meet at was only a short walk from the church, so Alec didn’t need to worry about public transport at this hour. 

He silently looked up and stared at the stars, picking out as many constellations as he could. The wind bit into him just as a shiver ran through his spine, and he suddenly regretted leaving without a jacket. Sighing, he wrapped his arms around himself and walked a little bit faster. He needed to see Magnus, he needed to know that he was okay.

The park was completely empty, and the further into it that Alec went the worse his gut feeling felt. Something was wrong, Alec’s senses were off the charts and he felt his fear root itself in his stomach. The swings clinked against each other and Alec snapped his head around, bow poised and ready. 

“Magnus?” He called out, trace amounts of fear slipping through the cracks in his confidence. 

A laugh void of emotion came from his left, and he instinctively turned and let go of the bowstring. He saw two very familiar cat eyes appear in the darkness for just a moment before retreating once more, effectively dodging his arrow. His breathing hitched and his eyes were on fire.

Magnus. 

Alec took a hesitant step forwards, trying to find him. The warlock watched as Alec wandered aimlessly around the small clearing. He created a light blue orb of light, hovering it between both of them as he slowly walked towards him. Relief filled Alec’s every pore as he laid eyes on his lover for the first time since his kidnapping. He finally had him back.

Smiling, Alec pulled Magnus into a bone crushing hug, breathing in as much of his scent as he could. They stood there in the dark for what felt like hours, and Magnus never once moved to hug Alec back.

“Magnus?” Alec asked, terror filling his hazel eyes. He watched in frozen horror as Magnus stepped back and looked him dead in the eye, not a single ounce of emotion or recognition to be found. His hands started to glow an electric blue and a ball of electricity formed in between his fingers. With next to no hesitation, he fired. Alec, who was barely able to dodge the attack in time, staggered backwards, his breath nearly knocked out of his chest as he hit the ground.

This was not Magnus.


	2. Remember Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Magnus—“ The warlock turned on his heel, spite lacing his shimmering cat eyes. He growled and stepped forwards, static electricity filling the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I don’t think this chapter needs trigger warning, so yeah. 
> 
> I hope y’all enjoy (please keep commenting! I love your feedback!!)

Alec pushed himself up off the ground and watched as Magnus formed another ball of electricity.

“Magnus!” He yelled, “What are you doing? It’s me!” He contorted his body away from the electricity, feeling the heat of it on his skin as it passed. 

“I don’t know you!” Magnus bit back, thrusting his hands forward, keeping Alec in place and raising him off the ground. The shadowhunter thrashed against his hold, his heart sinking into his toes. He didn’t remember him?

“Magnus? What do you mean you don’t know me, we’re dating.” The magic surrounding him pulsed, sending a painful jolt of electricity through his bones. He needed to get Magnus to remember something—anything—about them.

“Magnus, remember back when we first met? You were trying to heal our friend Luke and you needed my strength.” Alec coughed as the magic around him tightened, crushing the air out of his lungs.

“Stop... talking...” Magnus grunted, screwing his eyes shut. Alec took a deep breath before continuing.

“You grabbed my hand and you healed him. You saved his life. When you collapsed onto me and I looked into your eyes—“ Alec choked on his tears as the magic continued to tighten, “I thought you were beautiful, Magnus, you are beautiful.” Magnus screamed and flung his hands down, releasing Alec from his hold. He turned and paced away, mumbling to himself and grasping at his hair. Alec used the time to take deep breaths, relief flooding his system. 

“Magnus—“ The warlock turned on his heel, spite lacing his shimmering cat eyes. He growled and stepped forwards, static electricity filling the air.

“Shut up!” He screamed, trusting his hands forward once more sending a wave of energy blasting towards Alec, who was unable to move in time. He crashed back onto the dirt, bow flying from his hands. For a moment he rested there, looking up at the stars. What did Asmodeus do to him?

He quickly stood up, the blood rushing from his head made his vision fray at the edges. He turned in a full circle looking for his bow, but he couldn’t find it. Groaning in frustration he used his stele to activate his agility and stamina runes before turning to face Magnus, backing up as he saw him forming another attack.

“Remember our first date? The one where we both sat at the bar and talked, and then you hustled me in pool,” He kept dodging Magnus’ rapid fire attacks and continued, “I was so embarrassed that you managed to trick me. And then we went out back, under those strung up lanterns that the mundanes seem to love so much,“ Magnus groaned and shook his head, pausing in his attacks for just a moment. Alec advanced while he could, desperately trying to figure out what was happening.

“We stood under those lights, and we kissed. I have never felt how I feel about you towards anyone else—and I never will.” Alec’s voice grew in confidence as Magnus faltered once again. He stepped towards the warlock but was immediately shoved away with an unexpected burst of magic. Alec’s hands skidded against the rocks on the ground, slicing open his palms. Wincing in pain he picked himself back up, staring warily at his boyfriend.

Magnus had ceased all motion, eyes closed and body completely lax. Alec would’ve run towards him had he not been levitating five feet in the air. Magnus slowly started to lower himself and the moment he touched the ground he opened his eyes, the gold molten with anger. Alec stumbled back and continued to ramble.

“Remember when Jace accidentally activated the Soul Sword, killing all the downworlders within sight? I searched for you everywhere. I have never felt fear like I did that night, but when I saw you and we hugged, all my worries washed away. That was when we said our first I love you’s—” Magnus interrupted him with a scream and grabbed Alec with his magic before throwing him to the side, not even flinching when he heard one of the shadowhunter’s bones snap. Alec immediately felt a searing pain in his right arm and his eyes rolled back into his head. He dimly wondered if he was the one screaming.

Magnus walked over and picked him up by his shirt collar, effectively bringing Alec back from the brink of passing out. The warlock stared him down, not an ounce of regret on his face.

“I do not love you.” Magnus’ voice tore through the night, knocking the air out of Alec like a ton of bricks. He had a battle waging in his mind. This couldn’t be Magnus, but at the same time who else could it be? Fear sunk it’s icy claws into Alec’s heart, leaving him gasping for breath.

“Remember,” his voice broke, but he swallowed his doubt and continued, “when I was going to marry Lydia? And you knew that I didn’t want to.” Something that resembled bittersweet smile settled onto Alec’s face, but Magnus remained unfazed. “You walked right down that isle, blowing past my mom, and stood there. God, how long ago that seems—“ Magnus’ golden eyes rolled back into his head as his grip on Alec slipped, sending him flying to the floor. Another excruciating wave of pain hit him as he attempted to brace his fall with his arm. He breathed heavily through his teeth and looked up at the warlock.

“I knew that I couldn’t go through with it, I would never be happy.” Magnus grunted and picked Alec up with his magic, holding his body in the air. 

“I walked straight down that aisle, past my mom, and pulled you into a kiss. Our first kiss. In that moment, nothing mattered except the feeling of your lips on mine.” Magnus’ hands trembled and his eyes were focused on something far away. 

“I love you, Magnus Bane. Please come back to me.” Alec flew through the air, resignation settling in his chest. The last thing he heard was Magnus’ blood curdling screams. His body hit the tree with a sickening smack, the sound of his bones cracking could be heard throughout the park. 

Magnus was screaming, his mind felt like it was being eaten alive by beetles, each tearing a piece off one by one. When he finally opened his eyes they were back to normal, no longer a shimmering gold. He groaned and sat up, rubbing his head wearily. Suddenly, his nerves were alive as he looked around. How did he get here? The last thing he remembered was being tortured by his father in Edom. He rushed to stand up but before he could get onto his knees his arms gave out, sending him tumbling back into the dirt. His breathing quickened as he realized just how weak he was, how drained of his magic he was. He turned his head to the side and saw a dark figure lying in the grass a couple feet away from him. His mind burned as he saw random pictures, images of Alec, of hurting him. 

Magnus screamed and closed his eyes, begging for it all to be over. This wasn’t real, he couldn’t of hurt Alec. This was just another of of his Fathers cruel mind games. He crawled over to the shape, panicking at how the closer he got the more it resembled Alec’s sleeping figure.

Gaining speed from the adrenaline he continued to crawl, failing to hear the sound of footsteps rushing towards them. He could see now that it was a man with dark hair and tattoos covering his body. Tattoos shaped like runes. 

Magnus’ trembling hand grabbed the mans shoulder and turned him onto his back. Alec’s blank face stared up at him. Panic rose in his chest as his eyes searched over his boyfriend, looking for the cause of his unconsciousness. Whimpering he grabbed Alec’s face, tears landing on his lovers chest. He did this to him.

Taking a deep breath he felt his magic rise to the surface, moving his hands over Alec’s body he shocked his heart, trying to revive him. After the second try Alec took a deep and shuddering breath, coughing up ample amounts of blood. Magnus let out a cry of relief and rested his hand on Alec’s face, gently turning it towards him.

“Alexander,” Magnus’ voice cracked and tears fell from his eyes, “I’m so, so sorry. I was being controlled it wasn’t- I should’ve been stronger, if I had just—“

“Magnus,” Alec’s hushed whisper stopped the warlock in his tracks, “it’s okay. I know it wasn’t you, I forgive you. I,” crimson blood soaked his lips as a cough shook his entire body, Magnus cried harder and tried to use his magic to heal him, but he was getting nowhere. “I love you, Magnus.” His voice was fading out, as was his energy. Magnus could feel Alec’s life force getting weaker, if he just had more power. 

Two rough hands grabbed Magnus’ shoulders and dragged him away from Alec, and no matter how hard the warlock thrashed he couldn’t break free. The hands left him on the ground and rushed over to Alec’s side. Magnus propped himself up on his elbow and watched as Jace leaned over his parabatai, groaning in pain as their rune burned and faded.

The morning sun rose above the trees, shedding its first light on this horrific scene. Jace turned to face Magnus, fear flowing from his face.

“Save him!” He yelled, locking eyes with the terrified warlock.

“I- I cant, Jace, I’m not strong enough—“ Jace tore himself away from Alec and grabbed Magnus by the front of his shirt.

“Use my strength. Take whatever you need. Please, just- save him.” Magnus’ eyes hardened and he crawled back over to his boyfriend. Trying his hardest not to look at his face he grabbed Jace’s hand with his left and rested his right on Alec’s chest. Drawing the strength from Jace he felt his magic rise once again, he pushed it from his right hand into Alec’s body and willed it to mend each fracture, tear, and stop all the bleeding it could find. 

After what felt like forever Magnus leaned back, collapsing into the dirt, Jace following shortly after. He had done it, and Alec should be waking up any second now. Magnus rested his eyes and laid back with a smile on his face, feeling the morning sun beat down on him. Seconds quickly turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours. Magnus had fallen into a much needed nap, but Jace was unable to sleep, anxiously watching over Alec, looking for any sign of consciousness. The only thing he knew was that Alec was alive, and he had the rune to prove it.

When Magnus awoke he was lying in his bed, sheets loosely pulled up over him, wearing nothing but his boxers. He scrambled from the bed and snapped on some clothes before stumbling into the main room. Jace was sitting in an armchair repositioned in front of the sofa, watching over Alec’s sleeping figure with tired eyes. Cautiously, Magnus approached.

“Jace, how is he? Did he say anything to you?”

“Magnus...” Jace looked up to him wearily, concern starting to set in, “he hasn’t woken up at all.” Magnus’ heart fell from his chest and he immediately ran towards him.

“Are you sure? He should’ve woken up by now. How long has it been?” He desperately checked over every inch of Alec’s body, with his eyes and his magic.

“Uh, it’s been about a day. I carried you both back here—one at a time—and have been sitting here ever since.” He watched Magnus’ frantic movements, fear bleeding into his heart.

“Magnus, what happened to him?” The warlock in question ignored Jace and continued searching. How could he explain what happened when he barely understood it himself?

“Magnus!” Jace was yelling at him now, trying to capture his attention. At last, Magnus turned to look him in the eyes, fear and pain written across every inch of his face.

“I think I did this to him.”


End file.
